beating myself up...

Today has been very... trying, to say the least. There is just something about Tuesdays that I always despise... and eventhough I only have 1 more day of work left before I get to spend the long Christmas weekend with Michael, the dogs and our families I am just absolutely miserable beyond belief today. Maybe its because Michael woke me up entirely too last to even get a shower before work... maybe I'm in the anger phase of accepting Rocky's death... maybe its just the stress of it all but I've never want to STRANGLE EVERYONE SO BAD! I just want to scream at the top of my lungs as loud as I possibly can.... just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! The grimmace on my face does not even begin to scratch the surface of the rage I'm feeling right now. My heart is beating a mile a minute and my brain isn't working at all. Work is nearly impossible. I'm a lab tech, I test lab samples. That's all I do, that's what I get paid to do and for some reason today, I just cannot come to terms with that. Everytime I see a sample in my sample bin I feel like God himself is torturing me somehow. I. just. want. to. scream. Now I'm nearly in tears just thinking about all the emotions I'm feeling right now that I'm unable to express. There's just no logical way to express such anger. I don't believe I've ever been so enraged, at all. Everyone is my enemy today.. even the bastards that gave me perfect little thoughtful Christmas presents, the DJ on B104 who's playing my favorite song, Mike who only wants to help, everyone working here right now. What is this lump in my throat? Why are these tears in my eyes? 2 more days til Christmas and I feel so awful I could curb stomp Santa Claus himself. There's clearly something wrong with me... a bad chord in my head strummed the wrong way causing imminent catastrophe. I feel like a child in who can't get the toy they want, kicking and screaming, red in the face, tears streaming down, making a total fool out of oneself, over what? I just want to go home, and cry for days... forget Christmas, forget New Years... I don't want my presents. I just want to wallow in my own self-pity. I am an empty shell of what I once was... my heart's broken in a million peices, I am numb to the world. Lock me away, I feel as though I don't deserve anything I have... my job, my house, my fiance, this ring, my dogs, my ferrets who are still alive... I don't deserve a damn thing. I just can't seem to snap out of this, I know its only been 2 days but how long does the pain last? How long can I blame myself? How long can I beat myself up before there's nothing left of me? How long? How long can I beat myself up? How long can I bring myself down?